current mood: urrrgh
current song: me trying to give up on myself one heartbeat at a time LOLOL
#1 i am a huge ridonkulous emo piece of shit mess right now so i shoudlnt even be writing in here because im sure itll turn out lovely for me to re-read at a later date. and by lovely, i mean ill probably want to cut my wrists and black my eyes.
#2 i dont even understand anything. (vague statement number one). allow me to elabor8 on this though. i seriously dont think that i have a grasp on whats going on around me. because no, i have no idea how im going to deal with getting older. im not sure if youll understand this but i have that feeling.....where everything around me is clearly changing but im staying the same. but the thing is, im not. im not the same. im getting older every day. and im gaining/losing chances with every breath i take and you cant go back and have do-overs. and despite the fact that i must somehow understand that, i clearly dont. because i dont live my life in a way that would positively reflect that concept. so thats great. but i dont mean that i regret things i do/dont do because to be very honest i wouldnt go back and change a lot of things because i like where i am right now. somewhat. BLAH EMO SHIT onward.
#3 tonight i sat out by a pool and while my friends were swimming and talking i just stared at the sky. and thought. which probably explains why im emo and whatnot right now. but hear me out.........i dont know what was going on. i dont know whether it was a meteor shower or what but it was amazing. and i pretty much zoned out and just focused on myself and the things i love/care about for a nice 40 minutes. and i came to multiple conclusions. the first of which will be that im afraid to admit how i really feel about things. por ejemplo--im pretty sure i love someone. and thats a shithole. hahahahhaa wow that sounds lovely but no, like i think this is the down and out, i would basically do anything for said person type of love. or maybe not. i dont think it should be. and the shithole aspect of the whole deal is i dont know if this is the relationship type of love or just the fact that i would care for someone to go out of my way and do just about anything for. either way, no bueno for me.
#4 also by the pool i thought about the future and realize it scares me more than anything else ever could. im talking about if i were in a pool with a million giant squids but was thinking about the future, i wouldnt even think twice about the squid. that was so lame please dont even read back over it because i promise it wont make any more sense. the fact that the world could end during my lifetime....scares me. the fact that wars are going on and that there are biblical references to stuff going on now and the stuff in the 'end of times' really concerns me. and i try to be logical about it and say that there have been wars all throughout history and yeah, i dont know. regardless, the thought scares me.
#5 with the future comes the whole love thing again. mother of god i just thought of it now like what if i really do like...love......this kid? and then i dont do anything. and as time goes on i cant expect things to be the way they are now. things will change. im sure we'll grow out of eachother or something. and then what if the next thing i know, i'm getting invited to his marrage? omg thatd be so weird. i cant even think about that right now.
#6 so now im sitting here and realizing that i dont know what to do. im able to write this out and go nowhere with it. and that bothers me, also. i think the thing is, i cant even really confide in anyone what my true feelings are about almost anything. i somehow have to be vague and illude details as to make myself feel better and avoid a binding commitment of my words. so thats awesome, too.
and for lucky #7
pretty much i realize that there is one person that i always want to have these types of discussions with. where i can try to gain insight on seemingly basic things. and i never have. and im not sure if i ever will. because i dont know. i think im being ridiculous about the whole thing and should be able to open my bloodshot eyes and realize that i, most likely (and by most likely i mean almost definitely), am reading far too into the situation and the extent of my feelings are not going to be returned in the way that i need. not the way i want, cause to be absolutely honest.........i dont even know what i want. so itll be pretty hard to get it, huh?
WOO wasnt this fun kids?
im sure it was.
i should go to sleep before i turn into an even bigger piece of emo garbage.